China Adoption

I am so tired of roadblocks in this adoption. I am so tried of things going wrong. WHY is no one competent? WHY does everything have to be so hard????? I just want my baby!!!  Is that REALLY so much to ask??

I have learned that the child we were unable to accept has a family. I am very happy for both the child and the family.

First a big thank you to all who have been so encouraging and have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm doing ok... mostly. The right thing isn't always easy and it doesn't always *feel* right. So while I know we made the right decision I still feel really sad sometimes too.

However, I am very thankful for the two beautiful children I have. They are so sweet and WAY too cute, not that I'm bias or anything!  So in their honor a few recent funnies:

Momma was busy raking up leaves and Miriam was busy trying to play in them. A frustrated Miriam ask, "Momma, can you play somewhere else please?"

Miriam during a recent infestation of gnats: "Momma, I'm going to use the 'fly water' to hit the flies!"

I've been MIA recently with very good reason. First, I was really struggling with The Wait as illustrated by my last post.  I really didn't want to subject the blogsphere to my whining, but I also really had nothing else to say, nor did I feel much like writing anyway.

Emotionally, this has been an extremely hard week. The Wait had me in a bad place and then the USCIS struck *again*. Monday we received a letter requesting yet MORE info and an addendum to the freakin' addendum because our social work left out ONE word that was implied by everything else!! Seriously, I think they have it in for us! Our poor social worker is about ready to hurt them, but I *think* that will be taken care of soon.

Then it came. The Call. "A possible match. A child for your family. Are you interested? " "YES, YES, 100x YES!!!"
But as I watched the photos load on my email, I knew this child had a condition not listed in the file, one far more severe. So begin the emotional race to confirm with our doctor my suspicion and to try to research what this new diagnosis would mean for this child and our family. The answer: no way to know for sure until the child is here the true severity. Certainly years and years of therapy (some of them daily), possible surgeries, and no certainty of outcome. I have no doubt that this child will make a wonderful addition to some family. However with much soul searching we do not feel that we are the best family for this little one due to already have two young children in our home. We do not think it would be fair to this little one or to Miriam and Evan. So this AM, I made the difficult call to our agency.

All that said, this was a very hard decision and I write about it in part so that others who walk this road will know they are not alone. I doubted myself. We had always believed whatever referral God sent we would accept, certainly that is what we would do if we gave birth to this child. I looked at the pictures and did not see my child. But was that just my selfishness? Was that just me not wanting a child who would require SO much time and energy and change to our family life? Was God trying to tell me to stretch in a different direction than I had planned? Certainly, I felt for this child. I want this child to have a family. To have medical care and therapy. To be able to reach their full potential. It was so hard.

Finally, Brian said that if I was really convicted that this was what God wanted he was game, but otherwise he didn't think we were the best family. Then I realized that I felt different about this child than I did when I saw Miriam and Evan's referrals. With Miriam, I knew she was mine for the moment the phone rang. Never a doubt, never a question. With Evan, we were not even looking for his adoption... he was our miracle, fall-in-your-lap, never-happens-that-way adoption. I didn't *know* when I saw Evan's pictures and info that he WAS my son. But he pulled at my heart in a way this little one did not. And perhaps more importantly, I was ready for anything with Evan. We were told that he had been evaluated as mildly cognitively delayed, severely speech delayed, and severely physically delayed. But I KNEW without a doubt that he was fine and even if he wasn't, I KNEW we would be ok. I did not feel that with this little one.

But WHY would God send us this file? That question continued to bug me. This morning I received two possible answers.

1. I am perhaps the only waiting parent with our agency who could have looked at that photo and IMMEDIATELY knew the correct diagnosis.  I'm not sure our wonderful doctor would have known right away if I hadn't pointed her in the right direction (this is a very rare condition, one she has never even seen). How *I* came to be able to recognize it is completely a God thing. So perhaps we got this referral so that the correct diagnosis could be identified and our agency can find a family who is ready for that diagnosis. Perhaps we saved another family from the REAL pain of falling in love with this child and THEN learning the truth and having to say no. Or even worse, disrupting the adoption in China when they saw the truth.
2. Perhaps this is yet again God's way of buying time so our little one can make her way to our agency. I don't know. All I know is we are still looking for our little XinXin. Hang on baby, Momma is looking for you!

Another Friday come and gone, and other week is history without my phone ringing... well at least without it ringing with the *right* phone call. 22 months of waiting, and I'm really starting to feel it. I fear my patience is limited. Too much longer and I'm going to need a padded room.....

What a crazy week this has been. Saturday we had a get together with our local Guatemala Adoption group at the park.  It was a small group this time, but nice to see everyone.

Then Sunday I got sick. Really fast. With flu like symptoms; sore throat, head ache, fever, chills, aches. UGGGGG. Monday was NOT fun. I was hitting the Tylenol trying to stay ahead of the fever long enough to keep up with the kids. Lets just say I heart PBS!!  But even an unending supply of TV didn't tempt my crazy duo for long and by 11 they were wreaking the house while I lay on the couch under blankets.  Thank God they still take naps!  But I'm better now except for a nagging sore throat when I eat certain things.

Today is a good day in another way. Today our adoption is OFF HOLD!! WOOOHOO!! Really, I wasn't sure it would ever happen, but it has. Now we get to wait again but this time it is for a referral; at least we are back in line. :)

Multiple answered prayers to report tonight. First, little Susannah is much better and on her way to the US with her new family!! What a miracle!!  Second, Brian FINALLY has a job offer, he is still negotiating, but hopefully we will have something signed in the next week! Whooohooo!

I have been following the blog of a wonderful family on their journey to their daughter who is a special needs child in China.  They are in China right now at her bedside in a horrible hospital.  They desperately need all of our prayers... they desperately need a miracle to save her life.  China has not given the family legal custody and without it they can not demand that the little girl be transferred to a hospital that can actually help her.  This is a God size task! Please pray for strength for the family especially Leslie, the mother. And pray for Susannah, the little girl.

Brian has a job interview today.  If he gets this position, we will have benefits again.  Which means we can come off of hold with our adoption agency.... and this adoption MAY happen someday.

At last, after the big fiasco of last month, we got our I-171H approval today! Yea! So we're in the clear for 18 more months before we have to file again. (Please God, don't let us have to file again!)