China Adoption

They say that blogs generally only show a glimpse of the total story and
often glaze over uncomfortable or embarrassing details. This is
certainly the case for this blog as somethings are simply too personal
to share when one is not blogging anonymously. This was a concession I
made when I chose to use our names and pictures and open this blog to
those who know us in real life. But I do try to always be truthful with
what I DO post and try to paint as accurate a picture of adoption and
the adoption process as I can. In that spirit, today I'm going to talk
about one of those more uncomfortable/embarrassing things in the hope
that it will help those who are in the adoption process.

Sept 13th 2011, I walked into a large room in Zhengzhou, Henan and
waited with my husband and 3 other families for the little boy who I had
been watching grow up in pictures over the last 9 months. I knew only a
little about him. I knew he was tiny. I knew he was delayed and not
walking at 20 months. But this was also not my first rodeo as they say.
I'd been here before. I'd adopted before. I'd adopted delayed children
before. I'd read page upon page and hour upon hours worth of blog posts,
forums, and books about institutionalization, adoption trauma, special
needs, delays, etc. etc. etc. I knew what to expect. But despite all
that knowledge, despite knowing what institutionalize and traumatized
children look like, it was all I could do not to freak out when they
placed my child in my arms. Seriously, I had to fight down the panic.
The child I was handled was nothing like I expected. He was not a
toddler in any sense other then his age. He was not just delayed. He was
SEVERELY delayed. Forget walking! He either couldn't or wouldn't sit up
without support. His head was horribly misshapen. He response to being
overstimulated was to throw his head back and stair at the ceiling, eyes
roaming around. Yes, all those things can certainly be the result of
institutionalization and trauma as they have turned out to be. I knew
that. I did. Yet, I felt pure panic in those first few moments.

And what if I had traveled alone and had no support? What if I
didn't realize that I could be looking at only institutionalized delays?
Or what if I didn't even know what institutionalized delays were? Then
again, in those first few days, how can you really tell the difference
between expected delays and true underlying issues?  What if I had not
committed in my heart on January 24th, 2011 that THIS child was my son for
better or worse? I don't know, but maybe I would have been so afraid
that I would have walked away from one of the most amazing little boys
on this plant. I really don't know... but I do know that even with all
the prep in the world, you can still find yourself feeling panic when
faced with the reality of your new child in a government office in
China.

On Wed morning we went for one last quick shopping trip on Shamian Island. Even if you are staying off island be sure to spend sometime hitting the shops especially Jenny's, Sherry's, and Jordan's. I also found a shop called "A Gift from China", it's right next to Jenny's and has wonderful handmade, high quality, unique items. Prices are set there, but they are reasonable and all proceeds go to a charity helping children.

After one last Lucy's lunch, we headed back to the hotel to pack. We left at 5:30 to catch our flight to Shanghai. All went well and by a bit after midnight we were at P's home.

On the 22nd, I caught a bus back to Shanghai and easily made my 4:10 flight. Everything went very well. I can not say enough how wonderful the flight attendants were and I was very pleased over all with American Airlines. Asher slept a fair amount, but not me. By the time we made it home, I had been awake 29 hours with two 10 minute naps! I am so glad to be home!

After 25 hours of travel and 28 hours awake for me, we are home. Will try to get up some pictures soon.

Today was our consulate appointment, which means we left at 8:50 to be there on time. It was a quick and easy thing. We’ll get the visa tomorrow afternoon.

After that we returned to the hotel and did some group pictures. Without the White Sawn red couches it hardly seems the same. We are such a little group and with one family not here due to going to a different province to adopt a second child and Brian already gone, it seemed incomplete anyway.  We already have a couch shot of the four original kids together anyway.

After lunch and a very short nap on Asher’s part (he woke up when I moved my leg),  our 3 families headed to Shamian Island to do some shopping. I have to be honest it is hard for me to see the island the way it is now. I like the hotel we are at it’s self… it’s very nice, etc, etc. But the area around it is nothing like the island. And the island seems so dead now. Most of the shops are still open (though many close earlier then before), but so few families are about. I really worry for the shop owners. Some are like old friends. Names everyone in the China adoption community recognizes. And the worst part of all this for me, is I feel like a huge part of the community and cohesiveness of the China adoption world is being lost. Certainly the familiar world of almost home that is Shamian Island seems to be gone. Our guide said she isn’t sure our agency will even return families to the island once the White Swan is reopened. For one the medical exam clinic will move next year just as the consulate did in late 2008.  And for another she thought the White Swan would be too expensive. The whole thing just fills me with sadness to be honest.

We spent a few hours walking around and seeing all the beautiful sights and checking out the shops. I got some items but not nearly what I wanted because Asher’s sensory overload is set off by small busy spaces like these shops. We only made four shops before he completely lost it. Poor baby.  Shopping is so hard this time… I don’t have the time to really look, and I don’t have the time to build the relationships to really barter well. So I’m paying more and feeling so stressed by it. Then with Asher’s limits, my time is cut so short. I’m afraid he will not have the nice gifts for later I got Katie. I plan to try to get just a few more things tomorrow but not sure how it will work.

After shopping we headed over to Lucy’s for supper. It was wonderful. Just like I remembered. But much less crowded… actually very empty in fact. Asher had his first french-fry… he loved it. He loved the noodles even more and major chowed down!!

Asher went to sleep easily tonight. He had a long day with not enough sleep. It was busy too. He learned to sign “more” when throws his toys off the bed and wants them back. Smart boy!

The Asher highlight of the day: he reached for me for the first time this morning! Yeah!!

Today after another wonderful breakfast at the China Hotel buffet (it's incredible!), we headed off to Shamian Island to complete the medical exam for the visa application.

The medical exam didn't take long. We had the standard weight (just over 20 pounds), height (32 inches), and temp (normal) checks. A joke of an ENT check... squeeze the ducky to one side then the other, watch kid turn, declare they can hear... shine light in their eyes, declare they can see... look in ears and throat, royally tick kid off. Plus the medical/surgical exam. This part hung us up a bit, so much so the other 2 families completed all three stations before we finished here! The doctor was first interested in listening the Asher's heart very carefully, then fascinated with his hands. (Yes, I realize radial aplasia is very, very rare. Yes, I realize every white coat within a mile will always want to see him. Yes, I'll most likely get mad about this many times, but I digress.) After finishing here we headed back to the bus. Some families went to the pearl markets to shop, but P and I were meeting up with a friend of her's who lives near here.

P and her friend S went to lunch while Asher napped. Then we all three went swimming at the hotel pool. If you stay at the China Hotel, I highly recommend the pool, it was great. Since Asher hates baths I took things very slowly. I sat on the edge awhile and splashed a bit with our feet. Finally I went in holding him. At first he wasn't sure, but by the end he was LOVING it!! It was so cute to see him splashing and laughing up a storm!  While we were there I talked with another family here adopting their 7 year old daughter. I quickly realized I "knew" them from their blog and a number of forums and groups we are both on. Their story is very special. So cool.

Sometime in the afternoon between the pool and getting back to the room, it was like I had a different boy. Asher begin to not only act happy, but to truly seen to BE happy. Laughing, giggling, smiling at me. He made eye contact and played both beside me and on my lap. He let me hold him close and did not fight. He was truly happy to be with me.

S treated us all to a wonderful supper at a local Cantonese restaurant. It was soooooo good. I think the best food I've had yet in China. Asher stuffed himself on rice noodles. Guess he's a Monkey boy who likes a bowl of noodles now and then!! (Daddy, please have a bunch of bananas waiting for us... he's eating 3 a day!!)

We topped off the wonderful day by having a crazy evening. Asher was too wound up I think. And he is also getting hyper vigilant during wanting me with him as he attaches more and more. And way, took THREE hours to get him to sleep. Finally at 23:20 he went to sleep and I was able to lay him down.

Here are a few pictures from our time swimming.

Today I took Asher to be blessed... not at the Buddhist temple where most adoptive families head, but at a local Chinese Christian church. With P, who speaks passable Mandarin, at my side we headed out. Asher was blessed hear the Word read in his birth tongue and to hear more then a hundred Chinese believers singing songs of praise and worship to our Lord.  I always feel a sense of awe when I have the opportunity to sit in a worship service in another country totally surrounded by people who look different, speak a different language, and have such a different culture. Yet despite all that, we are brothers and sisters... and that is a beautiful thing!! It was also nice to see around 20 deaf individials at the church service.

After church, P and I found our way home on the Metro. It wasn't hard and it sure was cheap compared to the taxi, but Asher got serious sensory overload, poor baby. We spent the rest of the day around the hotel. After the visa paperwork meeting with Grace, we and 2 other families headed out to look for a Mexican restaurant. We never found it, but ended up eating at a little Chinese restaurant which was very good.

Asher had some sleep issues tonight. Still does NOT want to go to sleep and kept waking and crying every time I tried to get him in the crib. I gave up about 10 PM and just let him sleep in my bed. He still doesn't care so much about me, but he likes my soft, warm bed and really who can blame him?

We arrived in Guangzhou around noon. Flight went well, and Asher did great! I was so blessed to have an empty seat next to me. It helped a TON!!

Our guide Grace (who is WONDERFUL!!!) met us at the airport. We got checked in to the China Hotel which is very nice. Lovely gardens, pool, restaurants, etc. Room is big, beds soft. Can't complain about anything there. Some how the bell boy lost my luggage on the way in! Took me 2 hours to get it and I almost missed the laundry pick up, but it all worked out so I had my bag 5 minutes before the laundry guy came!

My good friend "P" arrived this evening to be with me for the rest of the trip. It is SOOOO wonderful to have her here for many reasons. We did stay up talking a little late how ever. :)

Asher continues to be hard to get to sleep but once there does well. He is eating better now that fruit is on his list of likes. Most days he has 2-3 bananas along with some watermelon and dragon fruit. I sometimes wear his food because he is NOT sitting in the highchair at all. Oh well, most of these people will never see me again!

Sorry no pictures for the next few days. My camera was packed up and it's so hard to lug out and about with the kiddo too.

Today was our last full day in Zhengzhou. There was no tour planned as our guide Rita had to work on paperwork due to our short week here. So Asher and I didn’t get out much due to this, having a rough morning, and also wanting to Skype with Mimmi and with Daddy. There are also not a lot of pictures from today since it was just me to run the camera.

As I said above, today was a bit rough. For the previous 2 and a half days, Asher has been superficially happy. Plenty of smiles, some giggles, and lots of looking cute. But he was also doing his best not to bond with us… especially momma. He pretended his heart was not breaking, but the vulnerability of sleeping betrayed him and at those times he fought sleep and cried until he fell asleep from pure exhaustion.

Today we turned a corner. Today Asher admitted that his heart is broken and begin to accept his fate. It is hard to see him so sad… to see him grieve like this, but it is the first step. He was just generally unhappy most of the day. Yet he is starting to finally accept comfort from me and not push me away… at least some of the time. He fell asleep in my arms without crying for the first time ever at nap time. When he woke up our guide was in the room and when she left, he began to cry. He cried and would not be comforted for 15-20 minutes. He would start to calm down, then sneak a sideways look at me and start sobbing anew. Poor boy. As hard as this is on both of us, it is without a doubt a step forward.
This evening when we returned form supper Asher was in a silly mood. We had some great bonding time as he rolled around and around the bed. He was laughing and playing a game of chicken with the edge of the bed and me. It is in these moments that I see who this amazing little boy really is. I see the 20 month old personality, not the delays. He is truly an incredible little boy!!
And now for your daily dose of cuteness… with a side of cheese!

We got up early and got ready and left for the Henan Adoption Registration office at 9:30AM. We are in a group of 4 families adopting children from 3 different SWIs. When we arrived one child was already there. We nervously paced watching each car that passed by and finally there they where the two Kaifeng children!! They carried Asher in the door and placed him right in my arms. He didn't cry but look very overwhelmed and immediately showed us his over stimulus response which is to throw his head back and look at the lights and ceiling and NOT at any faces. I walked him away from the chaos as much as I could and was able to get him to sit and interact a bit. I got out the snacks and toys. The orphanage returned a picture and mirror toy we had sent and it was obvious he knew it and was excited to have it to ply with. They said he was a timid boy, and it was obvious he is a sensitive one at least! He only cried when he heard one of our travel mate's son crying.

After filling out the guardianship paperwork we returned to the hotel. Asher would not sleep for his nap, but did eat and play with us at length. He has 8 teeth, 4 on top and 4 on the bottom. However, the poor lil' dude is cutting FOUR molars right now!!! They still have him on formula 3 times a day and once at night if he awakes. No fruit, no veggies, no meat. Just bread, rice, crackers, etc. We'll be changing that soon! He is a little guy only about 21 or 22 pounds. Size 12 months shirts fit fine, pants are too long. He is not walking and his core muscles are very weak. I suspect some of this is the trauma of the day, but he can not sit unsupported at this point. He IS using his hands a lot even his little hand. But will not use them to feed himself. Which means Mommy maybe on a diet once Daddy leaves. : )

They told us he hates baths and that is true so far. Also hates change, but who can blame him for that?

Here are a few more pictures from the afternoon.
 

Today was our second day with Asher and his official adoption day!

Things are going pretty well. We see more giggles and smiles. He will play with us, but is struggling with starting the  real attachment process. He continues to hold me especially at a slight distance. We get no eye contact when we are holding him and he will push away from me. But he will make some eye contact if the other one is holding him. Falling asleep is also difficult as he fights sleep... poor baby. This part is just hard. I'm hoping and praying he turns a corner tomorrow after the SWI visit before Brian leaves. 

Anyway, here is your daily dose of cute!

It's official!! He's a Westhaven Kid!!!