Parenting

A Reflection on Loss: Part Two

danielle — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 15:49:07 -0400

I've heard a number of different places that other loss tends to bring
adoption loss to the surface for an adoptee. It makes sense.
So I wasn't really surprised to find in the middle of my grandmother's
dying and death, that Miriam and I were confronting her adoption loss at
a new level. Even so I can't say I was "prepared". I'm not sure how as a
parent you are every really prepared cause kids never pick the easy or
convenient times to ask the hard questions. But that's just the way it
usually is.

Anyway, I was hit by some doozies! The toughest of which was "did my
(Ethiopian) mother not WANT to take care of me?" Sigh. "I don't know"
just isn't enough of an answer sometimes! I'm so grateful to the books
I've read that advise when talking with our adopted children to talk
about things you know, things you think, and things you believe. So with
my "I don't know" I added my think and believe. In hindsight, I should
have first asked her what she thinks before sharing my thoughts. Maybe
someday I'll get it all together or she'll ask me this stuff at a
convenient time. Yeah, that last bit probably isn't going to happen! :)

What I Do In My "Free" Time?

danielle — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 19:06:40 -0400

Ya know, I thought when I graduated from college I was done with classes and learning. Of course, since then I've learned that learning never really stops, but lately it feels like I'm taking this to a whole new level! Seriously, I'm getting flashes of college here! LOL So what am I doing?

First up, Brian and I are taking an 8 week marriage course by Dynamic Marriage. It's pretty intense with nightly homework and weekly meetings.

Then for a few months now, I've been working my way through the Crash Course for transracial adoptive parents. There is a lot to read, watch, and think about. Here are just some of the books for this one.

Then earlier this month I had the fantastic opportunity to attend an Empowered to Connect workshop and hear Dr. Karyn Purvis speak. (If you have the chance to go hear Dr Purvis and you have adopted or are thinking of adoption, PLEASE go!! It is well worth your time!) So now I have added her book, workbook, and materials to my list of things I am studying, Also I'm reading The Out of Sync Child to help me evaluate if one of my sweethearts might suffer from a Sensory Processing Disorder (I'm thinking the answer is yes).

And as if all of this were not enough, as part of our homeschooling co-op, I'm in a support group/class called Homeschooling 101. While not intense, we have had homework and reading for it too!
And I still need to do the work to get my 5 CEUs to keep my nursing license active... but I've got a month to get that done! :)

So what should I start next when the marriage class ends?

On Sharing

danielle — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 10:24:56 -0400

One of the things we've been working very hard on lately is sharing and not just grabbing things from our siblings. Honestly most days I feel like no one is listening or learning a thing! But every now and then, just when I despair, I get a little sign of hope like this:

When we went apple picking the other day at lunch time I had Evan climb into the van to get his cup. He found his cup and one of those mini pretzel sticks... you know, the ones about 3 inches long. Without my saying anything, he broke it into 3 even pieces and gave one to each of his sisters. Aww, my sweet little boy!

Miriam has also gotten into the sharing mode, but she might have missed the point a bit! The other day at lunch she didn't finish her P.B.&J sandwich or banana. An hour later she wanted a snack. I reminded her of that half sandwich and banana still on her plate. She walked off eating the banana and carrying the sandwich. Three minutes later she is back asking for the snack and proudly declaring the banana and sandwich gone. This is how the conversation went:

Momma: Miriam you didn't have time to eat all your food already. What happened to your sandwich?
Miriam: Oh, I shared my sandwich with Evan.
Momma: What?!?!
Miriam: Well, Momma, I couldn't not share with Evan! (big innocent eyes)

God help me with this child!!

Reward Charts and Chores

danielle — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:33:13 -0400

Earlier this year I started both Miriam and Evan on doing daily chores. For the most part this has gone well, but Miriam needed a little motivation. Especially, in the good attitude department! It seems at age 5 chores are no longer "fun". Sooooo... enter the Reward Chart. Each child gets a sticker for doing their chore to the best of their ability and with a good attitude. (For the record, not doing the chore is not an option!) Anyway, Miriam gets to watch a movie during the younger kids rest/nap time, IF she has 4+ stickers on a given day. Then if at the end of the week she has 4+ days of 4+ stickers, she gets ice cream as a treat. Right now Evan only earns stickers (he gets ice cream if Miriam does). We are two weeks into this system, and it is working pretty well so far! Here are picture of the charts, including the chore charts which list what they need to do.

Note: "School Work" is listed on Miriam's chart not because it is a chore, but to help her have a good attitude and to work hard. "Dry Night" is listed on Evan's just to encourage him (and he has been doing really well!)

October Wrap UP

danielle — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:00:12 -0500

One of those things that we have struggled with as Christian parents is that pesky little holiday at the end of the month of October. I was raised without any acknowledgment of Halloween and never dressed up or when trick-or-treating. Brian was allowed to dressed and t-n-t, but still it was not a good holiday. Interestingly enough, I am actually the one with the least hang ups over the kids dressing up. At this point, we do not want to celebrate Halloween and all it's dark meanings, but this year we did dress the kids up for a few party type things in the week prior. I'm not sure exactly what we'll do in the years to come, but I would love to see some type of celebration of All Hallows Eve and All Saints Day. But who knows.

Anyway a few picture of our Princess, Cowboy, and the Ladybug!

Potty Training Updated

danielle — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 22:40:42 -0400

First can I just say who ever said boys are harder to train than girl does NOT know my children! Evan has been so much easier then Miriam (not that she was difficult). I am happy to report he has been out of diapers during the day for a month now. I think we've had two accidents the whole time!! WOOHOO, Evan!! We are still working to get poop in the potty. He holds it until he gets a diaper for nap or night. But I can live with that... for a little while.

One Month Update (Sort of)

danielle — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:24:58 -0400

Well, it's actually a little over a month since Katie's Gotcha day and a little under a month since we're home so I thought I would split the difference. :)

Few things have actually just happened over the last few days that tell me we have reached a new level with Katie. Yesterday for the first time since she has been with us, Katie actually cried when hurt! For those who don't know anything about adoption and institutionalized children, this is a huge thing! Before yesterday, she would never do more then whimper and rub the area with her hand. Crying means she now realizes that there is a REASON to cry... someone cares that she is hurt, someone will respond. My baby is starting to get it... she has a Momma now, and Momma cares! Even better then the crying is that yesterday for the very first time she LET me comfort her!!! Didn't ask for comfort (that's the next step), but she finally allowed it!! Thank you God!

The other thing that happened yesterday is that for the first time I got her to take a step. She would only do one at a time and it was more often a falling step, but she trusted me enough to catch her when she fell to try as she stepped into my arms. And, speaking of trust, she is starting to reach for Brian to pick her up too! WooHoo! :)

Then today we had another breakthrough. She woke up from her nap and played happily in her crib for 5 minutes until I got to her. Previously, as soon as she woke up the screaming started until Momma picked her up.

Little by little our girl is learning what having a family means! So exciting! Next month, May 11th to be exact, we will be taking her to see the craniofacial team. I'm excited to hear what they have to say and get a general idea how our treatment plan will change since she doesn't have a full cleft palate.

In other family news.... Momma is potty training Evan. Normally I would wait a few more months, but dude is outgrowing all his pants! Those cloth diapers take up more room then underwear. :) We're taking the day off today, little dude is sick with a temp of 102. Poor guy! :(

WOW

danielle — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 17:56:08 -0400

WOW. That's all I can say about this powerful poem writen by Dorothy of Urban Servant.

What can I teach you about being Black?
Not much,
Because I'm not.
But a I can teach you about pain,
And how to forgive peoples foolish words.
I can show you how to endure suffering,
So that through it Truth will be proclaimed.
I can love you and cry with you,
I can be the she-bear when you are threatened.
We can live where there is a rainbow of people,
and we can learn to love them together.
We can seek out the truth of history,
And not be afraid of the ugliness.
I can open your heart and your eyes
To the painful reality that comes
clinging to the back of sin.

And in the end,
I can release you into your destiny,
And wait for you to come home,
With a fuller understanding of who you are
and what you are to be in your life.
Then I can listen as you teach me,
What it means to be Black.

The Library Brat

danielle — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:17:56 -0400

Today was a very frustrating day at story time. Or should I say after story time. We always stay awhile. I look for books both for fun and for preschool and the kids play with the toys. In the past there have been times another kid might grab a train or lego from one of mine or Miriam might do the same to another kid, but parents have always been close and the incident was a one time expression of normal preschool/toddler play. Today, however, was different. We had our first run in with the Library Brat also know as the play ground bully. For whatever reason she targeted Miriam. It started innocently enough. Miriam had attached to a book she found (this usually happens) and was carrying it around. All of a sudden Miriam came running to me sobbing her heart out, this little girl had her book. At the time, I thought Miriam had laid it down and the other girl picked it up. In any case, the mother was near by and when the little girl admitted taking the book, she made her give it back. Well, 15-20 minutes pass, Miriam is happily playing with the trains, when the little Brat moves in for her revenge. She would wait until Miriam was across from me and then would run up and knock all of Miriam's trains off the track. She wasn't taking them to play with them, she was just purposefully grabbing them and throwing them to mess with Miriam. Now Miriam *IS* a bit of a Drama Princess so she would scream when The Brat did this. I hushed her and helped her pick her trains back up. Well, this happened no less then 5 times. The second to last time, The Brat ran in grabbing trains and throwing them and as Miriam screamed "stop", she grabbed one out of Miriam's hand and throw it across the play area. Miriam was at the end of her patience, so she pushed The Brat. Of course, I stepped in to stop Miriam from really laying her out like she deserved. As I helped Miriam pick up her trains, I did something I've never done before... indirectly lecture someone else's child while talking to mine! "Miriam you can't push other people, EVEN IF THEY'RE MEAN and THROW YOUR TRAINS ON THE GROUND!!" You get the idea. All this time, Library Brat's mother was too busy talking to her friend to pay attention to her Brat's actions. Finally, on the last attack, Miriam screamed so loud that Mommy Dearest couldn't ignore The Brat anymore. She swoops in with the "oh, is MacKayLynnion taking trains?" routine, I was too mad to say the expected nice, "Oh, she's fine! Miriam, give little MacKayLynnion some of your trains." And since I'm too polite to say, "Would you keep your BRAT from attacking my daughter!!" I said nothing at all!

Nose!! Owie!!

danielle — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:31:12 -0400

Poor Evan has his first major "little boy battle scar"! He and Sissy where playing twirling Dervish which, of course, ended in "we all fall down!" Things were fine until Evan literally took a nose dive into the Ikea chair. I didn't even know the chair has a corner on it!! But my boy (and his nose) found that wooden corner! I knew we were in trouble when I saw it happen... the screams and blood confirmed my fears.

The first thought into my head was "Oh crap, my son has broken his nose and is going to need stitches! WHAT am I going to do with Miriam?? It's NAP time!!" My second thought was "DOUBLE crap, I haven't taken a shower today and my hair looks like an oil slick." Isn't it good to know I have my priorities straight? :-)

Then as I'm running around the house... think up and down stairs with screaming, bleeding child in arms... frantically looking for a 4x4 or 2x2 or ANY kind of gauze, it hits me. What is the point of being a nurse and working at a hospital if you can't remember to rip off some gauze before you quit!?!?! It also hits me that as the mother of a boy (and to be fair a crazy girl) I really need a "cut-and-bleeding-profusely" emergency kit.

Anyway, I finally get the bleeding mostly stopped (without the help of gauze) and assess that the nose is not broken. Cleaning the wound reveals, that while nasty and likely to scar, it isn't deep enough for stitches. (Whew... that was close. Mental note to self, take shower FIRST thing in AM instead of waiting until nap time!) This is where I sure wished I had ripped off some steri-strips or a few butterflies... Then the wonderful Aunt Jen both reminds me I can MAKE a butterfly bandaid out of a regular one AND offers to come over and help me get it on Evan. Whew.

So thirty minutes later a very tired Evan was sporting two butterflies holding his cut closed and a Curious George bandaid over it all. The boy did great. The momma did ok sans the cuss words (but at least they were just in my head!) And the nose... well, it may never be quite the same, especially since 2 year olds aren't known for leaving bandaids on!