Adoption

I've heard a number of different places that other loss tends to bring
adoption loss to the surface for an adoptee. It makes sense.
So I wasn't really surprised to find in the middle of my grandmother's
dying and death, that Miriam and I were confronting her adoption loss at
a new level. Even so I can't say I was "prepared". I'm not sure how as a
parent you are every really prepared cause kids never pick the easy or
convenient times to ask the hard questions. But that's just the way it
usually is.

Anyway, I was hit by some doozies! The toughest of which was "did my
(Ethiopian) mother not WANT to take care of me?" Sigh. "I don't know"
just isn't enough of an answer sometimes! I'm so grateful to the books
I've read that advise when talking with our adopted children to talk
about things you know, things you think, and things you believe. So with
my "I don't know" I added my think and believe. In hindsight, I should
have first asked her what she thinks before sharing my thoughts. Maybe
someday I'll get it all together or she'll ask me this stuff at a
convenient time. Yeah, that last bit probably isn't going to happen! :)

I’ve had occasion to think about loss a lot over the last week.

I lost my grandmother a week ago. My children lost their great-grandmother, their beloved Grandma Katie.

So I’ve found myself thinking and talking a lot about family over the last week, about genealogy. And I find that I am in a rather interesting position.

On one hand, half of my genealogy, my ancestry, is almost completely unknown. The few things I think I know are not even proven. I can relate, even sympathize, with adoptees who feel the sting of close birth records and birth certificates that tell lies. Part of my history is covered and changed or simply left blank.

My knowledge of another fourth of my genealogy and ancestry is severely limited. I know a few names and I know they are fact, but I don’t know stories or a real history. There is no relationship because that part of my family is mostly cut off from me due to the hurt and pain of others.

Three fourths of my story is so similar to the situation my children are in, to the information they have or more accurately do not have. I pray that this will help me in understanding their pain and loss as they grow.

But then there is the other fourth of my genealogy and ancestry, the part that passes through my grandmother. That part I know so very much about. There are numerous (and huge) books that can tell me all kinds of things about my ancestors. I can trace my roots back to 7, 8, 9, even 10 generations to the men who sailed across the ocean from Switzerland to escape religious persecution. I can claim to be a descendant from names like Treyer/Troyer, Hochstetler, Schmucker, and Klopenstine. I know names and details. My great-great grandmother died in childbirth at the age of 38 leaving 8 children. One great-great-great grandfather was an Amish bishop who’s writings were actually published. And standing at the head of my grandmother’s grave I can see the graves of 2 great-grandparents, 3 great-great-grandparents, and 2 great-great-great-grandparents. That’s crazy deep roots, ya’ll.

And when I think about those crazy deep roots, my heart hurts for all my children have lost.

Recently I was accused of "lacking a certain sense of empathy that one mother should have for another" and by "mother" this person appeared to mean the prospective adoptive mother. At the time I agreed: I don't have much empathy for PAPs (perspective adoptive parents) as my focus is on the first/biological family/mother. But as I have thought about it more, I realize my response was too simplistic.

Right now I am both an adoptive parent (AP) AND a prospective adoptive parent (PAP). I am waiting for a little boy a world away from me right now. I know how hard it is to watch a child grow up in pictures. I know now hard it is to wait on paperwork and red tape. I know the pain of unmet expectations. I know the ache of a heart that longs for another child. I get frustrated with the best of them at every paperwork snag and SNAFU. I've cried and stressed out at delays. If something happens and we can not bring Asher home, I promise you I will be a MESS. I will be heart broken. Crushed.

Now let me stop for a minute and look at the above paragraph. Is it all true? Yes. Is it "valid"? Yes. Is it selfish? YES!!! Yet every word is "I, I, I, me, me, me". See, these feelings, while real and even valid, are ALL ABOUT ME! And guess what? I am NOT the most important person here. The most important person is that little boy and the second most important are his birth family.... I and my feelings are a little farther down the list. And that is the way it should be... needs to be.. and, sadly, often is not.

Though PAP/APs often deny it, the persons with the most power in the adoption triad (or whatever your word choice) is the AP. The person with the LEAST power (really no power at all) is the child being adopted. We all hope and pray that everyone involved is doing what is best for this powerless child. But as long as first families are tricked, coerced, and lied to; as long as governments and other officials can be bribed and bought; as long as adoption is a business and an industry; those of us with power, the PAP/APs MUST be uber vigilant! We can not allow our selfish desire for another child or our belief we are "doing good"/ "God's will" to cloud our thinking and our eyes from the truth that adoption may NOT be the best thing for the specific child we wish to adopt. That, in fact, the very existence of adoption and our money may have caused this child to lose his family.

So while I feel all those selfish emotions I mentioned in paragraph two, I work very hard to keep my focus where it should be... on the best interest of the child(ren). And work to keep my selfishness from clouding what exactly "the best interest" is.

I've been thinking about a disconnect I see in people's perception of adoption. It seems to me that many people, both in the adoption "world" and out of it, do not have a complete understanding of what adoption is. When they think of adoption it is "a beautiful, wonderful thing". And in a certain sense they are correct. It is a beautiful thing when it gives a good home and family to a child who would have grown up in an institution or worse.

But adoption is not all sunshine and roses. And it isn't always about children who live in institutions or lack families. See, adoption is rooted in loss. Always. International adoption actually causes loss.  I'm not just referring to whatever caused the need for adoption; the actual adoption itself causes loss. Of course, in many cases the good done by getting a family outweighs that loss but it is there nonetheless. 

A good online friend, Terri, passed along to me an analogy of Gina Pollock's (PEAR president) that she expanded on and now I and Brian have taken even further. I believe this analogy/metaphor is very profound in explaining what I am talking about.

The loss of one's biological family in whatever way (relinquishment, abandonment, termination of rights, etc.) is like the amputation of a limb. Adoption is like a prosthesis. Yes, the prosthesis returns a level of function lost in the amputation. Yes, it is much better then the alternative of, say, spending your life in a wheelchair if you lost both legs. But the prosthesis is not and never can be the lost limb. So we all know that amputation should always be the last option. And we NEVER take it lightly.  Doctors work very hard to save a limb and only when all other options are gone do they turn to amputation.

How ridiculous would it be if you stepped on a nail and it was embedded into your foot, but when you went to the emergency room to have it removed, the doctor just wanted to cut off your whole leg?  What if he said, "Oh, we've got a
room full of prosthetic feet over here just waiting to be used! They are really wonderful and can do all kinds of neat things!"  Would you be horrified and outraged?? Of course!! Yet many think it is okay to offer international adoption as an answer to poverty and lack of resources in the biological family (the nail in the foot).  Sure, there are times when there are complicating factors... maybe an antibiotic-resistant bacteria gets in the wound, or you are a diabetic and the wound will not heal. But NEVER would you accept the loss of your foot without first trying to remove the nail and heal the foot!  

But we need to always remember that the adoption was preceded by a great loss. Would we ever dream of telling an amputee that they are "better off" with their prosthesis than their real foot? Or that they should be "grateful" they lost their limb so they could have this "wonderful" prosthesis? Of course not!! Would we find it in anyway odd that they missed their limb or grieved its loss or were flat out angry about the lost of the limb? Of course not!! Let's offer the same support to adoptees and acknowledge the deep losses they have suffered in order to experience the prosthesis of adoption.

3/24/2011 ETA: I appear to have quite a few adult adoptees reading this which I had not anticipated. I am VERY glad you all are reading! Please give me any feed back on this analogy that you want. I know it's not perfect, but it does seem to be very eye opening to PAPs/APs and the public at large. And please know I talk about IA because that is what I know. I haven't given a whole lot of thought to DA so I don't name it here. I am 100% open to hearing that you believe "last resort" needs to be applied here at home and that that is not being done. 

I've been accused of not being totally honest on this blog, of false advertising so to speak. I don't exactly agree because everything I post is true. But there is some truth to the accusation as well, because there ARE things I don't talk about.

I don't talk about the hard things of adoption. I don't talk about grief and loss, PADs, PTSD, Sensory Processing Disorder, or attachment struggles. I don't talk about the corruption in adoption. I don't talk about the lies told to birth families and adopted families alike, or all the other nastiness that is part of adoption.

Why do I not ever address this stuff even though I have a lot to say on all these topics? Well, the short answer is this just isn't that type of blog. When I made the decision to blog under my real name, and to use my children's names and pictures, I gave up the ability to talk about certain topics. See, a lot of different types of people read this blog... strangers from online forums and list having to do with adoption, real life friends from the adoption world, strangers from online forums and list having to do with homeschooling, random strangers, various real life friends/acquaintances, and relatives.  The people in the last two groups mean that I have to be very careful what I talk about for the sake of my children, these people really know them! The people in the first group mean I have to be careful or all manor of nastiness will be posted in the comments of this blog. I take enough heat in the online adoption world without having to deal with it in my own "house".

Now to the point of why I'm writing this post at all.... I'm getting ready to make an exception to my rule. I'm getting ready to talk about the Elephant in the room on the blog. I'm going to answer the question "Why are you all not adopting from Ethiopia again?"

Well, we're doing it! We're collecting paperwork and have sent in our applications. We're getting back on the adoption roller-coaster! We don't know how long or short the ride will be... how many twists and turns there may be... we're not even sure our safety gear is working! But we do know the ride is worth all the unknowns, all the ups and downs. And, at the end, we hope to be able to say "Westhaven, party of six!!"

Can you say "five"? Yup, FIVE wonderful years of looking at this face...

Of watching her grow from this tiny baby girl...

Into this beautiful big girl!

We are all so proud of her!  Our Miriam is a lover of stories and songs... A wonderful teacher... A good artist... A magnificent runner... Enthusiastic big sister... A champion for the truth... There is never a dull moment in her presence!
We are so blessed to be her parents and siblings! 

Happy Miriam Day, Little Heart!

Ya know, I thought when I graduated from college I was done with classes and learning. Of course, since then I've learned that learning never really stops, but lately it feels like I'm taking this to a whole new level!  Seriously, I'm getting flashes of college here! LOL So what am I doing?

First up, Brian and I are taking an 8 week marriage course by Dynamic Marriage. It's pretty intense with nightly homework and weekly meetings.

Then for a few months now, I've been working my way through the Crash Course for transracial adoptive parents. There is a lot to read, watch, and think about. Here are just some of the books for this one.

Then earlier this month I had the fantastic opportunity to attend an Empowered to Connect workshop and hear Dr. Karyn Purvis speak. (If you have the chance to go hear Dr Purvis and you have adopted or are thinking of adoption, PLEASE go!! It is well worth your time!) So now I have added her book, workbook, and materials to my list of things I am studying, Also I'm reading The Out of Sync Child to help me evaluate if one of my sweethearts might suffer from a Sensory Processing Disorder (I'm thinking the answer is yes).

And as if all of this were not enough, as part of our homeschooling co-op, I'm in a support group/class called Homeschooling 101. While not intense, we have had homework and reading for it too!
And I still need to do the work to get my 5 CEUs to keep my nursing license active... but I've got a month to get that done! :)

So what should I start next when the marriage class ends?

I have a funny story from Mother's day (yes, I know. I'm running behind!). On Mother's day the whole family drove to Atlanta to see Grandpa George who was here briefly for a visit.  We were all thrilled to see him even though it was only a day.
For lunch we went in to a chicken place to get some chicken for a picnic lunch since we were trying to avoid the crowds. It worked because we were the only family there when we walked in. The manager and one of the other workers were talking at the front counter and greeted us as we walked up. After the a moment the manager looked at me holding Katie with Miriam and Evan at my side and the following conversation ensued.

Manager: "Happy Mother's Day!"
Me: "Thank you"
Manager: "I always wanted three, but after one I could never push another one out!"
Me: laugh "Well, it's not like I had to push them out."
Manager: "Oh, did they cut them out?"
Me: "Uh.... no."
Manager: confused look
Me: "They were all adopted."
Manager: "Oh."

Either she didn't notice that I am mother to a Black child, a Hispanic child, and an Asian child (in which case I commend her) or she thought I'm one "busy" woman!! LOL

I have a few links to some other blogs I've been wanting to post for awhile. First there is my friend Jen over at The Road to Ethiopia and Back. She is doing a series of posts on first family contact in adoption. I think she has some good things to say especially since she is on two sides of the adoption triad.

Then there is my newest fav charity, Drawn From Water. This is a new organization devoted to helping the children of a tribe in southwestern Ethiopia. The Karo tribe is bond by superstitions which require parents to kill children who are considered cursed or imperfect for such things as the circumstances of their birth or the order their teeth erupt in. Drawn From Water is working to provide the parents an alternative and to save the lives of these children. They presently have 10 of these children in their care and are looking to expand their orphanage. They need support. Check them out.

And lastly, I wanted to link to an incredible story and a family who is taking on a huge task. This family adopted a 13 year old girl from China giving them 5 children at home. They thought they were done. However when they arrived in China they learned that their new daughter had TWO biological brothers!! They are now on a crazy ride trying to get these two boys adopted as well. Go read their story.