A Dose of Honesty

They say that blogs generally only show a glimpse of the total story and
often glaze over uncomfortable or embarrassing details. This is
certainly the case for this blog as somethings are simply too personal
to share when one is not blogging anonymously. This was a concession I
made when I chose to use our names and pictures and open this blog to
those who know us in real life. But I do try to always be truthful with
what I DO post and try to paint as accurate a picture of adoption and
the adoption process as I can. In that spirit, today I'm going to talk
about one of those more uncomfortable/embarrassing things in the hope
that it will help those who are in the adoption process.

Sept 13th 2011, I walked into a large room in Zhengzhou, Henan and
waited with my husband and 3 other families for the little boy who I had
been watching grow up in pictures over the last 9 months. I knew only a
little about him. I knew he was tiny. I knew he was delayed and not
walking at 20 months. But this was also not my first rodeo as they say.
I'd been here before. I'd adopted before. I'd adopted delayed children
before. I'd read page upon page and hour upon hours worth of blog posts,
forums, and books about institutionalization, adoption trauma, special
needs, delays, etc. etc. etc. I knew what to expect. But despite all
that knowledge, despite knowing what institutionalize and traumatized
children look like, it was all I could do not to freak out when they
placed my child in my arms. Seriously, I had to fight down the panic.
The child I was handled was nothing like I expected. He was not a
toddler in any sense other then his age. He was not just delayed. He was
SEVERELY delayed. Forget walking! He either couldn't or wouldn't sit up
without support. His head was horribly misshapen. He response to being
overstimulated was to throw his head back and stair at the ceiling, eyes
roaming around. Yes, all those things can certainly be the result of
institutionalization and trauma as they have turned out to be. I knew
that. I did. Yet, I felt pure panic in those first few moments.

And what if I had traveled alone and had no support? What if I
didn't realize that I could be looking at only institutionalized delays?
Or what if I didn't even know what institutionalized delays were? Then
again, in those first few days, how can you really tell the difference
between expected delays and true underlying issues?  What if I had not
committed in my heart on January 24th, 2011 that THIS child was my son for
better or worse? I don't know, but maybe I would have been so afraid
that I would have walked away from one of the most amazing little boys
on this plant. I really don't know... but I do know that even with all
the prep in the world, you can still find yourself feeling panic when
faced with the reality of your new child in a government office in
China.