"So, is Brian excited?"

One of the most common questions we've heard is "So, is Brian excited?" Sometimes it will be a statement, almost rhetorical, "I'll bet you're excited." The thing is, though, I wouldn't use the word "excited" to describe the way I'm feeling.

Danielle grew up longing to be a mother, to be a Mommy. As she grew older, still single, she wondered sometimes if she would ever get that chance. Then, after we were married, we weren't able to get pregnant. Every month that went by became like a dark shadow growing over her. When we decided to adopt, that shadow grew smaller and smaller as the process progressed.

On the other hand, I grew up with a different kind of shadow. My shadow was the fear that I would grow up to be just like my father. I spent much time and energy in the pursuit of emotional and spiritual growth to undo whatever unhealthy ways of living and thinking I had learned from my father. Yet, even as I was growing, that shadow hung over me; the fear didn't necessarily dissipate. Thankfully, over time a number of different people got to know me, learned of my shadow, and made it their mission to show me just how far beyond my father's mistakes I had come, the distance that God had brought me, the amazing things that God had done in, to, and through me.

I can't say, though, that even when we decided to pursue adoption I felt "ready" to become a father. But intuitively I felt that I probably wouldn't come any closer to feeling "ready" without actually starting down some form of that road. This intuition, combined with Danielle's growing longing to become a mommy, convinced me that it was not unwise for us to move forward. I trusted that God would bring me closer to whatever readiness I needed in order to become the father He's been shaping me to become all these years.

So here we are. We have a referral. We now move from speculation and a certain kind of anonymous preparation to focusing our attention and prayers on a very specific little girl in a foster care center in Addis Ababa. We have two pictures of her. When those pictures were a day later in coming than we hoped, Danielle shed a few tears. When she could actually see the pictures, she was incredibly happy. But when I saw those pictures, my first sensation was one of responsibility.

I'm sure my opinions are based in naivete, and will presumably mature with greater experience. But here's how, generally, I think about people. Everyone is on a journey. They have a story, a history, an identity that is fully known only to God. He is trying to help people grow into the purposes and gifts He has given them, like a flower that can only bloom one way. When I meet someone, I want to figure out where they are in their journey, what they already know, what they seem to be learning right now, what I might learn from them, and how I might help them in their journey. Whether child or adult, man or woman, this approach to people has served me well in a multitude of relationships and circumstances.

As I think forward to the future, I imagine that Miriam will continue to learn how to operate this arrangement of cells and thoughts, matter and energy, that was united with her soul some 13 months ago. She will be connecting thoughts and sensations, emotions and experiences, trying to find meaning, to make sense of them all. She will sense, perhaps only in the background of her mind, the God-shaped hole we all have, and will start reaching out to see what, or who, fits into that hole.

She will need Danielle and me, in concert with the community of family and friends that already love and pray for her, to teach her, to play with her, to share life and love and knowledge and experience of Christ with her. We will set boundaries, and enforce those boundaries with consequences. But we will joy to watch her grow, and learn, and live into the gifts and identity God has created for her, and created her for.

So, am I excited? It's a big job ahead of us, a huge responsibility. But I know I get excited when my friends kick old habits, learn new life lessons, and grow closer to God. I fully expect to do the same with Miriam.