Originally written Jan 6th, 2013
Lately I've been feeling like maybe a 5th adoption isn't meant to happen. Not meant to happen now and maybe not to happen ever. Doubts about life with 5. (Are we as crazy as everyone THINKS we are to consider it?) Loss of our beloved social worker after 7.5 years and 4 adoptions. (The paperchase is always hard, but the thought of starting over with a new social worker feels overwhelming.) And our recent emotional and financial upheavals related to my emergency appendectomy.
We were offered a referral early last summer that we turned down due to unknowns. It seemed the right choose at the time but now I find my self wondering if we "missed the boat" some how. If we shot our only chance to adopt from China again. A friend asked me if I trusted God with this. I do. I've been through too much, seen too much not to. But still the doubt asks "what if you didn't hear him right? What if you didn't have enough faith and so you missed out? " It is, after all, not always easy to know the will of God.
The crazy thing is that before these obstacles, right before my surgery, I was feeling that frantic searching feeling... that feeling that one of my children was missing.... out there somewhere. Close, but not. Now I find myself wanting to give up. To call the agency and say, hold our medical check list. Just let it go. Focus on the babies I have and not look for that 5th little one.
But today, in January, in the heart of winter, on Epiphany Sunday.... God sent me a sign. A sign he has sent once before went my heart cried out for a child I could not see and could not find. He sent me a ladybug crawling on the pew beside me in the dead of winter. A ladybug. He has not forgotten. I am not forgotten.